The Evolution of Meat Puppets: Point me to the Salt-Lick

In Midland for another training. Flew in this time, so that means no transportation, no freedom… The upside is I have a great deal of free time to wax moronic; such as:

As much as man likes to believe he is far above and well beyond the average beast in the field, it always surprises and saddens me when we revert to our baser selves. For example:

Men, women, children and the occasional dog meander aimlessly, groups merging into groups until it’s hard for even the most observant observers (sounds so much nicer than “voyeur”) to tell who was with whom and so on and so forth, etc. etc. etc. There are new acquaintances, old friendships, reunions and passing-bys. Man shows his prowess by performing that which even the most advanced of primates (you know, other than us) has yet to master – the sacred rite of texting. So we wander and wait and smile shyly at strangers and admire the emotional baggage of others while we wait for the physical to arrive. There is a veritable air of the dominance of Human, all this walking upright and non-guttural communication. We are masters of our individual universes, answering to no one other than the gods of common courtesy. Then the buzzer rings and thousands upon thousands of years of evolution, of striving for supreme superiority is temporarily quashed as we are drawn to the sound like cattle to the slaughter. Eyes glaze, family ties are forgotten and it is every man for himself in the hunt for our modest (and now more than likely damaged) possessions. We are reduced from lone wanderers or family units to a milling mass of slack-jawed anticipation.

Long Live Pickle!

Long live Pickle- the coolest fishie that ever was.

No other pet has loved glam rock so much nor been quite so adept at teasing Conner into hysterics.

You will be missed.

I'll add a newer pic as soon as I get off my grieving ass and upload them.

LOOPHOLE!!!

That is all; carry on.

The Evolution of Meat Puppets - Part 2

Since the beginning of man's ability to think of himself as the superior (albeit just as fuzzy) animal on the planet, great advances have been made. We can fly like birds and swim like fish and eat smaller, cuter animals on toast with a sprig of parsley. Each generation has contributed something of value somehow (we're not going into the righteous f-ups here; just the good/quirky/not so evil). But if you sit and ponder (as I sometimes do at stoplights or jury duty or while handling machinery) all the glorious things that man has added to this world, 99.9% of the ones that are not soul-less evil on a stick have been brought about by pure and simple laziness or vanity or a disturbing combination of both.

Examples:

We are the only creatures that despite our obvious superiority over all lesser fuzzy things in the vicinity we insist on insisting that we are not descended from apes and monkeys because we have the common sense to shave off the evidence. Now don’t get me wrong – I am all for this human practice. I wish more people would take this into consideration. In fact I can think of a couple of mustaches that I’d like to take some duct tape to. (Sorry, ladies; but Jeezie Creezie! Did you know it wafts in the breeze when you breathe?)

We are the only creatures that require a way to record/rewind/replay things we missed on TV because we left the house to go do things that are meant to make us miss TV. (I’m guilty of this one... At least I was until I saw the price tag on TIVO and said, “Screw it; that’s why the media gods invented reruns”)

“I can’t wait 10 minutes for a pot pie! I want it now Now NOW!” *Ding* It doesn’t ever seem to bother us that the middle’s ice cold and the edges are molten chicken-flavored napalm.

“The TV’s waaaay over there and there’s a Beyonce’ video on and if I have to listen to her screech for one more minute I’m going to poke my eardrums out with knitting needles…” *Click* What did people do before remote controls or my butt scooting across the carpet? It took me a long time to not automatically move through the living room like a dog with worms.

Speaking of lazy ingenuity – When’s the last time I picked up a pencil? If technology ended the roaches would mock.

Enough is enough is enough... Right?

I've put up with being insulted...
I've put up with my family being insulted...
Now that my job's been belittled by a veritable welfare whore can I please, Please, Please just do what I do best and destroy, Destroy, Destroy?!?

No, I have to keep quiet. I have to be the "better person" (what ever the hell that means in a situation where the target can't remember what they had for breakfast yesterday let alone what mean, spiteful, insipid, stupid-ass thing they said five minutes ago). I have to "be nice." Peh!

I'll behave because I was asked too, but the second there's a bloody loophole...

Oh and I've been uber-busy the past two weeks and slightly stressed (see above and add nonstop classes and no sleep and new puddles of fuzzy deciding shoes are fun and tasty) so no brain-droolings. But I should be back to my usual dorky self as soon as I get a chance to sleep.

The Evolution of Meat-Puppets: Part 1

One day, a long, long time ago in a land that had never heard of nonsense like "Down-Sizing" and "$750 Sneakers" and "PETA" a man (or a woman; I'm an equal-opportunity kind of gal) wandered through a beautiful field bursting with flowers and grass and eeny wittle bunnies. And in this meander he came across a large, smelly, creature with pendulous breast-like contraptions dangling about its nether regions. So the man wondered for a bit, pondering possible names and uses for such a creature for man was a self-centered, conniving creature even then. Despite no outward signs of value, the man ventured closer and began to list the possible possibilities.

“It walks on four legs so it is not a man,” he surmised, “and therefore perfectly killable.”

He circled about to get a different perspective. “It seems sturdy enough to do the hard labor I am too weak to do; and if not I can always have a nice barbecue and invite the neighbors two caves down.”

He climbed a nearby tall thing to see what lurked above. “If I beat its skin against a rock for hours on end it might just make a fashionable frock for those unibrow mixers that are all the rage these days”

And at last he kneeled down beside it and wondered, “I wonder what those taste like..” And thus began mans’ real obsession with breasts…

Wait, wait, wait; that’s not the point I meant to make. Note to self: The Evolution of Sweater-Monkeys. Where was I? Oh yeah…

So for thousands upon thousands of years man was dependant on what became known as Cows. It became a staple of the human diet. We made countless things from it like Cheese and Steaks, Ice Cream and Glue, Seat Covers and Gelatin. All of a cow is useful and most of a cow is yummy (except for tripe and cottage cheese. Eww). So this has continued on, generation after generation, until one day man popped on over an evolutionary hump with a single, life-changing, society-altering idea:

Take the Milk out of Milk.

(Ok, technically it’s "Take the Lactose out of Milk", but really, who actually knows what the hell lactose is? I’m allergic to the stuff, and I have no freakin’ clue. Is that a scamper for Wikipedia I hear? And can two people really cause a scamper?)

And thus the world became a safer, kinder, less stinky kind of place. A land where a man, woman or child of questionable gastrointestinal integrity could enjoy a heapin’ bowl of sugary evil and not alienate a county; a peaceful place where Oreos are not the precursor to possible evacuation.

For all you anti-evolution people out there you can think of it this way – god finally got really tired of the universal fart joke and gave us a little more free will to stink a teeny bit less. Of course we’re only trading in less stink for more ways to distort nature, but that’s just the cheeky little bastards we are.

***Just for clarification I am not of the stinky kind – I’m more in the category of writhing about on the floor in complete and utter agony because I can’t resist a face sized bowl of Cocoa Pebbles every once in a while.***

Today's Lesson...

Why Not to Annoy Lin after She was Trapped on a Plane

with Baby-Germs and a Woman Eating Something that

Smelled like Feet and Pits and other Corporeal Cavernous Crevices

I recently received this via e-mail (an e-mail address not directly linked to this blog, by the way, so that narrows down the suspects quite a bit):

Mind your own business has sent you a link to a weblog:
For someone who is so damn busy you sure do have alot of time on your hands to be making Commentaries.

Clarification:

It’s called Cut-and-Paste, a combination of basic Windows’ commands allowing one to cut text/pictures/what-have-you (from, say, a text document written the night before from the comfort of your own home) and paste them someplace else (like a dialog box when you have a free second in the day). It’s standard stuff, really. A kindergartner can do it. You should try it some time. I’m sure you can find a first grader to help you out if you have any problems.