The Evolution of Meat-Puppets: Part 1

One day, a long, long time ago in a land that had never heard of nonsense like "Down-Sizing" and "$750 Sneakers" and "PETA" a man (or a woman; I'm an equal-opportunity kind of gal) wandered through a beautiful field bursting with flowers and grass and eeny wittle bunnies. And in this meander he came across a large, smelly, creature with pendulous breast-like contraptions dangling about its nether regions. So the man wondered for a bit, pondering possible names and uses for such a creature for man was a self-centered, conniving creature even then. Despite no outward signs of value, the man ventured closer and began to list the possible possibilities.

“It walks on four legs so it is not a man,” he surmised, “and therefore perfectly killable.”

He circled about to get a different perspective. “It seems sturdy enough to do the hard labor I am too weak to do; and if not I can always have a nice barbecue and invite the neighbors two caves down.”

He climbed a nearby tall thing to see what lurked above. “If I beat its skin against a rock for hours on end it might just make a fashionable frock for those unibrow mixers that are all the rage these days”

And at last he kneeled down beside it and wondered, “I wonder what those taste like..” And thus began mans’ real obsession with breasts…

Wait, wait, wait; that’s not the point I meant to make. Note to self: The Evolution of Sweater-Monkeys. Where was I? Oh yeah…

So for thousands upon thousands of years man was dependant on what became known as Cows. It became a staple of the human diet. We made countless things from it like Cheese and Steaks, Ice Cream and Glue, Seat Covers and Gelatin. All of a cow is useful and most of a cow is yummy (except for tripe and cottage cheese. Eww). So this has continued on, generation after generation, until one day man popped on over an evolutionary hump with a single, life-changing, society-altering idea:

Take the Milk out of Milk.

(Ok, technically it’s "Take the Lactose out of Milk", but really, who actually knows what the hell lactose is? I’m allergic to the stuff, and I have no freakin’ clue. Is that a scamper for Wikipedia I hear? And can two people really cause a scamper?)

And thus the world became a safer, kinder, less stinky kind of place. A land where a man, woman or child of questionable gastrointestinal integrity could enjoy a heapin’ bowl of sugary evil and not alienate a county; a peaceful place where Oreos are not the precursor to possible evacuation.

For all you anti-evolution people out there you can think of it this way – god finally got really tired of the universal fart joke and gave us a little more free will to stink a teeny bit less. Of course we’re only trading in less stink for more ways to distort nature, but that’s just the cheeky little bastards we are.

***Just for clarification I am not of the stinky kind – I’m more in the category of writhing about on the floor in complete and utter agony because I can’t resist a face sized bowl of Cocoa Pebbles every once in a while.***